My dear,
It gave me great joy to comfort you after your babies were born, but your youngest is almost 3. Maybe it’s time for you to start hanging out with underwear your own age? Have a little fun! Try a bikini, or a nice lace tanga. Your husband has been very gracious, but I can see the sadness in his eyes when I’m around.
Lots of love,
Granny Panties

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Listen, bitch—
I’ve seen things no one should see. We worked well together back in 2010, when the only children in your life were the ones in J. Crew catalogs, and you still had visible hipbones. But that’s all over now. I just feel… stuck. I need to pry myself out of this toxic relationship.
Sayonara,
Thong

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Hey girl,
Remember the crazy times we used to have? Parties, bars—I never knew where I’d end up in the morning! These days, there’s not a lot of action. And I can’t even remember the last time I saw my matching bra. I heard from Granny Panties that we live in the suburbs now. Could’ve sworn it was Gilead. Kidding! Sort of. Call me?
♥Lacy Black Bikini

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Dear Madam:
I was once the most elegant underwear in all the drawer, and now I am literally coming apart at the seams. I blame my current state of decrepitude on your blatant disregard for my needs; namely, a relaxing soak in cool water followed by a gentle rub with an expensive lingerie detergent, preferably jasmine-scented. Instead, I am forced to mingle with toddler clothing encrusted with food matter and bodily effluvia—not to mention the preschooler’s underpants… I shudder. And then you put me in the DRYER.
Shame on you.
Signed,
The Fanciest Pair of Underwear You Own

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The horror! The horror!
—Period Panties