A Review of My Recent Amazon Purchase

Michelle Vames, did ‘Fruit of the Loom Boys’ Fashion Brief (Pack of 5), Multi, Small’ meet your expectations?

To say that these fashion briefs “met my expectations” would be a gross understatement. My expectations were exceeded, transcended—dare I say obliterated—by these magnificent underpants. My expectations are a mere speck in the rearview mirror.

So moved was I by the attributes of these Fruit of the Loom briefs that I had to drop everything to pen this review.

It is so refreshing to be one thousand–percent ecstatic about something, rather than wallowing in the hollow disappointment to which I have grown so accustomed in these dark times. I had begun to fear that I was dead inside, but when I peeled the fifteenth piece of Scotch tape from around these 100 percent–cotton undies, I realized that a fire yet burned within me.

First, there was my wedding day; then, the birth of my two beautiful children; and now, these fashion briefs: four pairs resplendent in multicolored stripes—and one, inexplicably, with a print of ping pong balls and paddles. Not only does each pair have two leg holes and one bigger hole for the waist, with fabric that covers my son’s buttocks and genitals, but they can also be worn under both pants AND shorts.

As a busy mom who wants desperately to make the right choices for her children, it is a relief to know that these underpants function exactly as they should. For instance, I don’t need to worry that there is weed killer in them, or that they will release toxins when heated to a certain temperature (I don’t, right?). I don’t have to argue with my husband about whether or not I fell victim to alarmist Facebook posts, like I did when he saw me unboxing $200 worth of glass dinnerware, storage containers, and sippy cups to replace all of our toxic plastic.

Whether I am folding them after the wash or gazing upon them, inside-out and still stuck inside the legs of my son’s discarded pants—which I have begged him to put into the hamper, located a mere two feet from where he tossed them—these undies give me a sense of peace.

At a time when truth itself is under attack, I take great comfort in knowing one thing that is objectively, unassailably True: these underpants are amazing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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