Welcome to the 2014 Mommy Olympics

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Today’s event: Leaving the House

Commentator 1: Well, it looks like this mom is getting off to a shaky start this morning, wouldn’t you say, Brad?

Commentator 2: You’re not kidding, Tracy. She was looking strong when she strapped the baby into his highchair and put on that Baby Einstein video for him to watch so she could take an uninterrupted shower for once in her life. But the video ended six minutes ago and this mom hasn’t even toweled off yet.

Commentator 1: And now we’re coming to the part of the routine that has given her some trouble in the past. You can see that she’s managed to dress the baby and herself — and if I’m not mistaken, those are the pants she had on yesterday. I’m not sure if the judges are going to dock her for that.

Commentator 2: If they do, she has a chance to make up for it in this next segment, which is makeup and hair. Adding to the difficulty of this already challenging maneuver is the fact that the baby loves to get all up in her business while she’s performing it.

Commentator 1: That is correct, Brad. In fact, she  has been known to skip this section entirely in past competitions, which of course leads to an automatic ten-point deduction and pitying looks from everyone who sees her that day.

Commentator 2: OK, she’s going for the tinted moisturizer… and here comes the baby. He’s running into the bathroom and — ooh! The baby has slipped on the rug and bumped his head on the tub.

Commentator 1: She’s going to lose some points there, Brad.

Commentator 2: OK, the baby has stopped crying and mom has grabbed the eyelash curler. You know, Tracy, I have to say, the use of the eyelash curler really says something about this mom’s unwillingness to let herself go completely. It’s nice to see that.

Commentator 1: But what’s this? The baby is making another move. It looks like he’s got her mascara… he’s making a beeline for the toilet and — oh boy! That mascara is going for a swim!

Commentator 2: Wow, I have never seen this mom grab something out of the toilet so fast. That has got to be a personal record for her.

Commentator 1: Now they’ve made their way downstairs and it looks like mom has managed to get the baby’s socks and shoes on.

Commentator 2: She executed that move flawlessly, Tracy.

Commentator 1: But look! The baby has wriggled free and is now running across the living room! He is not responding to mom’s repeated, increasingly hysterical pleas to come back and put his coat on. Mom is on her feet! She is chasing the baby.

Commentator 2: Oh, this is getting exciting. The baby is giggling! The angrier she gets, the more he giggles. Now mom’s got him… but wait! What’s this? He’s doing the boneless baby move!

Commentator 1: I did not see that one coming, Brad. The baby has collapsed on the floor and is refusing to stand up.

Commentator 2: This is getting uncomfortably close, Tracy.

Commentator 1: Mom is looking haggard but determined. Wait… is she crying?

Commentator 2: She is going to get that baby to daycare and make it to the damn train on time if it’s the last thing she does, Tracy.

Commentator 1: The coat is on! But mom cannot spare even a second to savor this small victory. She has already scooped up the baby and now she’s squatting to pick up the baby’s bag, along with her bag and a box of diapers. Now that is impressive, Brad.

Commentator 2: I’ll say. But hey — what’s this? It looks like mom smells something. Did the baby just poop? Oh boy — she was on the verge of walking out the door and now this.

Commentator 1: That has got to be disappointing.

Commentator: 2: If you watch closely, you can see her considering whether to just pretend it didn’t happen and let the ladies at daycare deal with it.

Commentator 1: But no! There she goes, back up the stairs with the baby. Now that’s integrity.

Commentator 2: She changes the baby’s poopy diaper, and totes him back down the stairs…

Commentator 1: …only to realize that she isn’t wearing socks!

Commentator 2: Going back upstairs at this point will almost certainly knock her out of the running for a medal. What is she going to do?

Commentator 1: Look at that — she is shoving her bare feet into her boots!

Commentator 2: She is a true Olympian, Tracy. And now she’s through the front door!

Commentator 2: Just look at her strap that baby into the carseat.

Commentator 1: The baby doesn’t look happy.

Commentator 2: Whatever. He’s strapped in. He’s fine.

Commentator 1: Mom looks in the rearview mirror and starts digging frantically in her purse for her hairbrush and lipstick.

Commentator 2: And there’s the gum! A brilliant last-minute maneuver to make up for her earlier deduction in the teeth-brushing category.

Commentator 1: The car is in reverse! She’s driving down the street. She’s done it! She’s done it!

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Stay tuned for more exciting 2014 Mommy Olympics events, including:
Bedtime
Bath time
Eating in a restaurant
Having a phone conversation

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