Baby’s First 100 Days: Household Sees Sharp Decline in Sleep, Increase in Average Cuteness

(Not our actual baby.)

The new baby marked the one hundredth day of his administration with a long-overdue poop, a few gummy smiles, and a morning nap that so far has lasted more than ten minutes.

When polled, the baby’s father reported a decrease in the number of times per day he secretly plots an escape to Mexico. The mother’s numbers have held steady.

Quality of life was generally perceived as lower, with an increase in dirty laundry and yucky smells, and a decrease in meals that do not consist of Trader Joe’s frozen pasta. The mother reported a dramatic rise in going out in the same yoga pants she wore to bed the night before.

As expected, the baby received low marks for his impact on the environment.

However, recent polls show that the baby is beginning to win hearts and minds by making eye contact and emitting adorable gurgling sounds. According to his father, he also earned a higher rating for looking “more like a person.”

In addition, the baby received glowing reviews for his 2014 tax credit and for a new nighttime initiative that includes staying asleep for six consecutive hours.

The big brother reported strong approval for the baby, describing him as “special” and “so squishy.” (It is important to note that the high marks in this category fail to reflect the big brother’s moderate resentment of the baby, which he expresses through occasional meltdowns that horrify the parents but which are totally normal and will pass soon.*)

The parents remain divided on the question of whether the baby is bored as a result of being cooped up in the house all winter, or whether this is a case of transference on the part of the mother. There also continues to be disagreement on the issue of sleep training. Partisanship is most pronounced in the middle of the night.

In spite of this, the parents are united by a strong belief that the baby is extremely good-looking—a fact they believe to be objective and not at all related to their status as his parents—and that he is a total love muffin. They also share a disdain for advice that urges them to “cherish every moment”, particularly when the baby is refusing to sleep, their half-eaten Trader Joe’s pasta dinners are congealing in the kitchen, and the mother is still wearing yoga pants from Monday.


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