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“Maybe it’s time for you to think about going back to work.” –My Husband
“I’m here if you need to talk.” –My Best Friend
“Sondheim couldn’t have done it better himself.” –Me
SCENE 1: THE PARENTS’ BEDROOM
(THE MOTHER and THE FATHER sleep curled together beneath a comforter. The dog sleeps at their feet, and the baby sleeps in a bassinet at the foot of the bed. The scene is softly illuminated by a diffuse, pre-dawn light. The idyll is shattered when the baby begins to wail, the dog starts whining for her breakfast, and THE TODDLER calls to the parents from off-stage.)
THE TODDLER: Mommy! I have poop!
(The Mother groans. The Father pulls the covers over his head and starts snoring ostentatiously.)
THE MOTHER: Don’t even.
THE FATHER: What time is it?
THE MOTHER: It will only make you sad if I tell you.
(The Mother picks up the baby and begins to rock him. Her hair is matted and greasy, and when she turns around we see that the back of her nightgown is tucked into her underwear. The Toddler calls out again.)
THE TODDLER: Mo-om!
(The Father has gone completely still under the covers in hopes of becoming invisible.)
THE MOTHER: Can you get this one? He is three years old and he needs to start using the potty. It’s like changing a man’s poop. I just can’t right now.
(The Father kicks off the covers and shuffles out of the room. He walks into The Toddler’s room just as the boy pulls off his diaper and spills its contents onto the floor. The Father gazes wistfully into the distance and sings.)
THE FATHER
We used to go to brunch
We used to sit and drink in the morning
Of course it wasn’t technically morning
We never got up before 10THE MOTHER
We used to go to brunch
If we wanted we could nap for three hours
And luxuriate in long steamy showers
Now I wash but twice a week(chorus)
BOTH
It was so civilized
Going out was not uncommon
We saw art and plays
Hung out with fashionable gays
And knew the best places to have ramenTHE MOTHER
I used to go to work
I used to have adult conversations
Now my Pandora plays the all-Raffi station
Which I secretly enjoyTHE FATHER
We used to go to brunch
We used to eat artisanal cheeses
Old-timey-looking bartenders pleased us
Until that trend went way too far(chorus)
THE MOTHER
It was so civilized
I took pride in my appearance
Heads used to turn my way
Now it’s a special day
If I can pee without interferenceBOTH
It’s cliche but it’s true
We wouldn’t trade our kids for what we had then
But when they’re grown we’re moving back to Manhattan
Hope Russ & Daughters is still there
THE FIRST FORTY 
We are cracking up! Remember we warned you.
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