I love the US Weekly feature where they ask celebrities to share what’s in their purse. It’s like: “This is the polished stone George Clooney found for me on our walk on the Appian Way during a break from filming.” And “I don’t go anywhere without my super-expensive face mist. It keeps me looking dewy even on long flights!”

In case you were wondering, here’s what’s in my bag right now:

1 “Growth & Development Diary”: Given to me by the pediatrician to keep track of the baby’s weight, vaccinations, etc. The first page is filled out, and that was done by the nurse.

1 partially unwrapped tampon: I haven’t used a tampon since January of 2014. I guess I’m holding onto it in case someone needs one. If you wipe the granola crumbs off it’s still totally fine.

1 “Raphael” Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle figurine: Purchased under duress at Barnes & Noble, which apparently is now a toy store.

1 used tissue, 3 gum wrappers, 1 smushed fruit bar, still in wrapper: That’s all? I must have cleaned this thing out recently.

1 “apple berry” squeeze pouch: His Highness informed me last week that he no longer likes squeeze pouches in “apple berry” or any other flavor. It probably will take about three more months for me to finally throw this out.

7 lipsticks and lip glosses in virtually identical shades of raisin and coffee: If a little lipstick really does make you feel better, then I am prepared to bounce back from a clinical depression.

1 copy of The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up by Marie Kondo: You can’t see this in the photo because it’s underneath all the other stuff.

1 Fun Home Playbill: It’s now been three weeks since I saw this show, but I’m planning to keep this Playbill in my purse indefinitely as a reminder of that one time I got out of the house and made it all the way to New York City (which is roughly 23 miles away).

1 Target receipt: A trip to Target is my generation’s Calgon bath. The store is full of women who have escaped their spouses and children in order to casually wander the aisles without anyone screaming about how they don’t like squeeze pouches anymore.

1 stool-sample collection card: From my recent physical. I am supposed to use the enclosed popsicle stick to collect the “sample” and then put it in the mail to the lab. I love to complain about how much poop I have to deal with on a daily basis, but at least it isn’t strangers’ poop that arrives in my mailbox.

1 pair Carter’s underwear, size 2/3T: Because my life revolves around poop.

1 Ziploc baggie containing Salonpas patches: Because I am old.

1 hairbrush: My morning grooming routine includes brushing my hair in the car when we’re stopped at the light on the way to daycare drop-off. Green light = bad hair day.

1 half-full water bottle: See? I am an optimist.

1 fitness schedule for local YMCA: See above.

1 pill box containing 2 Klonopin: See all of the above.