What my catalogs say to me


“Ooh, sorry – this is only for people who spend at least 90 percent of their time frolicking barefoot in meadows, ideally while looking adorable in big, floppy sun hats.”
“But something like this could totally work for you! You are sooo lucky that caftans are in right now. What’s that? ‘Mrs. Roper’? Sorry, I’m too young to understand that reference.”
“Well, you are like six months away from aging out of our target demo… Maybe it’s best if you leave quietly now, before it gets embarrassing. Now if you don’t mind, I’ve got to get back to rubbing this flower on my face.”


These pants will really move with you and support you as you move through the aisles of Target.
“These pants are great for one-legged king pigeon splits, or for walking around in Target.”

Garnet Hill*
(*The catalog your high school boyfriend’s mom used to get.)

Remember when you were in high school, and your boyfriend's mom used to get this catalog?
“There is basically no point in getting out of your bathrobe ever again.”
I only buy bras and underwear with full coverage. It's important to be comfortable as you contemplate your own mortality.
“These full-coverage undergarments provide support and comfort while you contemplate your mortality.”
This hoodie is made of 100 percent cashmere and is great for hiding your old, wrinkly face in shame.
“This hoodie is made of 100 percent cashmere and is great for hiding your old, wrinkly face in shame.”

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