“Ooh, sorry – this is only for people who spend at least 90 percent of their time frolicking barefoot in meadows, ideally while looking adorable in big, floppy sun hats.”“But something like this could totally work for you! You are sooo lucky that caftans are in right now. What’s that? ‘Mrs. Roper’? Sorry, I’m too young to understand that reference.”“Well, you are like six months away from aging out of our target demo… Maybe it’s best if you leave quietly now, before it gets embarrassing. Now if you don’t mind, I’ve got to get back to rubbing this flower on my face.”
Athleta
“These pants are great for one-legged king pigeon splits, or for walking around in Target.”
Garnet Hill* (*The catalog your high school boyfriend’s mom used to get.)
“There is basically no point in getting out of your bathrobe ever again.”“These full-coverage undergarments provide support and comfort while you contemplate your mortality.”“This hoodie is made of 100 percent cashmere and is great for hiding your old, wrinkly face in shame.”
THE FIRST FORTY 