Welcome to our house, featuring all the Flintstones gummy vitamins you can eat. (Adults can’t OD on those, right?) We hope you enjoy your staycation!

Do you love cereal but hate having to actually eat it? You’re in luck! Our junior concierge will be on hand to consume every last bite of the cereal you pour for yourself, right down to the milky dregs, which he will then drink directly from the bowl. Please do not attempt to give him his own; he only likes yours.

When nature calls, choose from among our two-and-a-half spacious, updated bathrooms. Please do keep in mind that we discourage closed doors here, and be prepared for a no-holds-barred commentary on your body and its functions. We recommend being in a strong place, psychologically, before attempting.

There are lots of activities to choose from as the day kicks into gear: One of our most popular picks is called “drying off all of the Legos that ended up in last night’s bath.” The 3-year-old loves playing with Legos in the bath, but he hates it when his Legos are wet! Haha, that guy! Get ready to spend some time here – those suckers have LOTS of nooks and crannies, and he needs them to be REALLY dry.

Watch how fast you bump up against the limits of your patience – and your knowledge – during a lightning round of “Why?”

Be the queen of the road when you take a drive in our 2014 Chrysler Town and Country. Your view will be the lush summertime suburbs, and your soundtrack will be the infant’s desperate screams. You’ve probably heard that babies are lulled to sleep by car rides; not this one! This otherwise mellow, affable baby will howl his fuzzy little head off from the moment you click him into his car seat until about two minutes before you arrive at your destination. Bon voyage!

Adrenaline junkies will love watching the 3-year-old run on pavement while wearing Crocs. And don’t miss our newest attraction: attempting to keep the baby’s hands out of his poop while changing his diaper. Watch out, he’s fast!

The dinner hour is one of our biggest draws. It starts around 5:30, when both boys change from lovable human children into hideous, snarling monsters. You’ll get hands-on experience in the art of cooking for and feeding a toddler and an infant while simultaneously fielding the UPS guy, door-to-door environmentalists, and a surprise visit from the elderly lady next door, with every ring of the doorbell triggering skull-shattering levels of barking from the family dog. Take advantage of our prominently placed kitchen clock, at which you will glance roughly every 30 seconds in anticipation of the husband’s arrival; and then feel the burn as you struggle not to take out a day’s worth of frustrations on him.

But wait – there’s more! Here at our house you can:

• Find the toy that the toddler was holding five seconds ago and has since completely disappeared, and which is now the ONLY THING IN THE WORLD that will bring the toddler happiness.
• Peel Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle stickers off of the walls, coffee table and kitchen floor.
• Take a shower, do laundry, read, answer emails, and finish all the other things you need to accomplish today while the baby takes a half-hour nap.

We are still taking reservations for this summer; there are a lot of openings. Please call now. Please?