How To Make Dinner for Your Kids

Take a pot out of the cabinet.

Go outside and explain to your older son that his younger brother is too allowed to play at the water table, and that if he can’t share the water table then everyone has to come inside.

Go back inside and open the refrigerator.

Call out to remind your younger son that getting wet is, in fact, to be expected when playing at a water table.

Go back outside to retrieve a Lego piece that has fallen under the deck stairs. This job may require a specialized tool. For the best results, we recommend the grabber claw that your kids use primarily for irritating each other.

Start to explain to your older son that this is exactly why we shouldn’t bring Legos outside, then get distracted by your younger son, who is crying because he went inside and promptly slipped on his own wet footprints.

Calm your younger son, who is crying harder now because you toweled off his feet.

Explain to your older son that you wish you could come outside and play but that you can’t right now because you’re Trying. To. Make. Dinner.

Tell your older son that you’re not sure how many earths could fit into the sun but that you’ll look it up.

Wonder what parents did before the internet.

Make dinner and arrange it on cheerfully colored, BPA-free plates, keeping in mind that the BLUE one is for your older son and the YELLOW one is for your younger son.

Call your kids to the table.

Call out to your older son that if he does not come to the table RIGHT NOW, there will be consequences.

Go upstairs to look for your older son, and discover him climbing out of his brother’s crib, with no pants on.

Get him some pants.

Bring him downstairs.

Send a text to your husband that reads U ON THE TRAIN YET???

Tell your younger son that he cannot have Goldfish right now.

Tell your younger son that he cannot have a lollipop either.

Walk into the living room and breathe deeply.

Walk back into the kitchen and find your kids eating their dinner and making each other laugh.

Turn to your husband as he walks in the front door, and when he asks if everything’s OK, say, “Of course.”


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