Used baby and toddler items, pathos included

FS: Birthing ball – $15 OBO
Purchased at the suggestion of my Park Slope–based birth class instructor, this ball totally lived up to its promise as an essential labor tool during the 45 minutes I sat on it while watching The Descendants in an effort to not freak out during early labor. Eventually, not even George Clooney could distract me from the breath-squelching agony that seized my midsection roughly every 5-7 minutes, and I abandoned the ball in favor of rocking back and forth on all fours while biting the couch.

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FS: Electric breast pump – $10 OBO
Cleverly disguised in a cute little backpack, this pump is perfect for use on the go. Logged many hours in an office conference room with a questionable lock, where constant fear of discovery imbued pumping sessions with extra excitement. Was passed on to me by a friend who heard, in the pump’s droning whir, a voice saying “pray”. What I heard was “you wanna”—which was less creepy, and even kind of fun, because I was free to fill in the blank with all of the things I would rather be doing than sitting in a chilly conference room being milked like a cow. What message will the pump have for you? Scoop up this nifty little item and find out today!

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FS: infant ear thermometer – $5 OBO
Buy this ear thermometer because you can’t stomach the idea of sticking something up your baby’s butt, then throw it away after you’ve spent a couple of desperate nights discovering that you could probably get a more accurate reading from a Magic 8 Ball. Next, buy a rectal thermometer and some Vaseline and get over it already.

Vaseline

Musical firetruck toy: Will give $50 to the first person who shows up
This smiling, plastic firetruck will give your toddler hours of enjoyment while scaring the crap out of you every time it plays its weirdly sinister little tune. Who thought it would be a good idea to make a toy firetruck that plays gypsy funeral music? You and your mate will ponder this and other questions as you lie in bed at night with your door locked. Was the idea was to remind children that fires are terrifying? The more likely explanation: this firetruck came from a place where fires burn eternally. On porch for immediate pickup. Please hurry.

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FREE: Nail clippers
These precision instruments will snip the tender skin from your baby’s fingertips faster than you can say “I am the worst mother ever.” Everyone says not to worry too much; it happens all the time and the baby won’t remember it. But you will.

joan

FS: Play yard – $25 OBO
When I was a kid these were called playpens, but I guess the playpen manufacturers got tired of all the angry emails from babies who took offense to the term’s connotations of barnyard animals and criminals. At our house it was known as the baby jail, because it is indeed an effective way to keep young hooligans out of trouble, and there is a good chance that attempts to incarcerate them will not go smoothly. Unlike the “pack and play,” the play yard is quite large and extremely sturdy (read: really freaking heavy). Doubles as a super-convenient storage bin for baby toys and dog hair, and comes with a handy carrying case, ideal for people with Hulk strength.

george-marks-baby-girl-crying-in-playpen-1

FS: Gently used copy of Go, Dog, Go! – $1 OBO
It’s not that I don’t appreciate this book’s humor and whimsy, but 72 pages is just way too long for a book without a plot. There is no reason it should take more than 20 pages to get to the dog party in the tree. Do I like this book? I do not. Good-by!

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