A Guide for Neurotic Parents
Parent & Baby Music Class
Help your budding musician bloom as you awkwardly pretend to sing along to songs that everyone seems to know but you. Smile helplessly when your kid throws a fit because the teacher gave him the wrong color shaker egg, and know that the other parents are judging you.
The Science & Learning Zone
Your kids can explore multiple rooms filled with wonders while you try not to think about how germy and gross everything is. This place gets packed on the weekends! Go on a Saturday and you’ll feel like you’ve stepped into a Hieronymus Bosch painting: look for the kid contorting his face and sticking out his tongue in an approximation of demonic possession, and don’t miss the girl who has fallen and lies twisted on the floor, screaming for her mommy.
The Amusement Park
This is your chance to confront your fear of amusement rides and try not to pass on your neuroses to your kids. It’s a kiddie coaster, and you’re 40 years old – you can do this.
Maybe this will be the day you get to leave the playground without your kids having a meltdown because they don’t want to go. Haha! Just kidding. Your perfectly lovely time will undoubtedly be ruined when you attempt to go home, no matter how many times you give them “five more pushes” – because it will NEVER BE ENOUGH PUSHES. Go home swearing never to return; forget all about it in 2-3 days; repeat.
The Pumpkin Patch
Enjoy the crisp weather and colorful foliage with approximately 7,000 other people who are also scrambling to fit in a last bit of outdoor fun before the winter hits and they’re incapacitated by seasonal affective disorder. Your fellow fun-seekers will be outnumbered only by yellow jackets, which will attempt to make love to your cup of hot cider as you force your children to poke their faces through a wooden board painted with a Halloween tableau. Try to make peace with the fact that crowded events might not be your thing. Start to feel OK about it, then lose your sh*t when you overhear yet another person complaining that the pumpkins are a ripoff. Cry out, “But you’re paying for the experience!” as your husband gently escorts you back to your minivan.